A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied: “When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, and I sometimes do, I take a sip”.
So next Sunday the young priest took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink, of the vodka. He then talked up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
12) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body…” He did not say, “Eat me”.
13) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.